topic of the day: things that bring you down
How do you make them stop?
Just stop. You effect my mood, personality, my being. Stop. STOP.
You can’t fight back because nothing you say will make it stop. And although you know its not real, its not true, it still effects you.
Why?
Things have progressed tremendously. I feel new; different; better.
Life is slow, but somewhat more real. I am finding what I love, and learning new things everyday.
I have time for myself, and those I love. I have time for what makes me me.
I cook, clean, bake, read, write, watch shows, play piano, go to concerts, teach, perform, paint, walk, listen to music, dance, sew, play guitar… these things are endless because I have time.
I have dispelled the harmful and am now attempting to create the beautiful.
This road is long, and recovery is hard, but I never once regret a single thing.
The harmful has made me who I am today, and that I will never regret.
you know, it’s easy to leave rather than stay. it’s pretty fucking easy to stay mad, and hold a grudge rather than forgive. attachments, relationships are messy. no one likes messy.
but the easy way out always leads to dissapointment.
i’ll deal with that another day.
change is hard. i don’t like change. i had to change the most profound thing about me for obvious reasons, and without it i have no idea who i am. i’ve lost everything. yet i don’t miss who i used to be. i never want to be that person again. i just don’t know where to go from here. i don’t know how to be normal.
I AM VERTICAL
But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one’s longevity and the other’s daring.
Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them—
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.
I believe in nature. Nature = Hope
Hoping…
Things have changed drastically. No longer am I in my comfort zone. I am being forced to change, forced to dispel the bad and harmful to hopefully lead a new life of love and happiness. So far, the change is hard and not really progressing. I need to find the hope within me to move on, forget the past, forget those that hurt me, and eventually love myself once again.
Times are hard, people are hurtful, life is confusing and difficult.
Hopefully I can love again. Hopefully I can learn to stop hurting myself and those that love me. Hopefully I can stop crying myself to sleep every night. Hopefully I can be successful and ambitious. Hopefully I can find the power in me that was once there 3 years ago, the power of hope that can turn into actions.
I know that actions speak louder than words. But all I have right now are words.
I believe that words lead to actions, especially if those words are powerful enough. But sadly all I’ve had are words.
I hope that if I start blogging again, with words that are as powerful as ever, it will lead me to be the change that is important and vital for my life.
Hope on…
